Lose To Win!

On April 9th, 2016 at 10:00am in the morning I was sleeping comfortably until I got a message from my family that altered my world……

On April 9th, 2016 I was confronted with reality when my oldest brother called to tell me about our dad. He spoke in a shaky tone telling me my beloved father was pronounced dead that morning at the hospital. My whole body went numb after hearing this news and I screamed throughout my house. This could not be real for me to fathom, I no longer would be able to see my dad or hear his voice. In some crazy way I thought is was surreal like a dream but, it was not a dream. It was an unexpected nightmare that now haunts me.

My mom was distraught, the man she was married to 42 years was now gone. I grieved for her and my entire family. The only question I wanted to ask myself was “how were we going to move on from this trauma ?”. My brothers and I all shared a special bond with my father; he was truly the King of his castle. He taught us how to love unconditionally, live unapologetically and most of all how to have a relationship with the Lord.

The wound is fresh, the tears are new and the pain is relevant in our lives. However, through this abrupt interruption of my dad’s departure we continue to carry on his legacy. Losing someone that you love is never easy but bittersweet. Yes, spiritually we know he is with God but we will always miss his physical absence…. his smile, laughter and joy it brought to our lives. After losing my youngest daughter nine years ago and now my dad it has taught me how precious life is now. I am no longer waiting on a special moment to do what I desire or live the life I want. Now, I have an urgency to live life to the fullest, experience every great undertaking and live it on my own terms.

The greatest things that I have won due to my loss of loved ones are courage to live my life on my own terms, do what is best for me, letting go of the need for permission and understanding I do not need validation to be who I am.

In some strange way I feel like this has helped me involve into a better version of me, living life unapologetically!

Picture Reference: Pinterest www.stevemaraboli.com 

The One Day That Changed My Life: My Rebirth!

 
“I dance, I smile & live fearlessly because I know what it feels like to die on the inside I only want to live authentically being me.” ~Stylicia~

I believe it is a crime to never acknowledge your greatness and never share it with the world. I use to be the kind of girl that was scared to shout on the rooftop about my accomplishments until I realize someone else needs my inspiration, testimonies and story. I love life and live it abundantly because in my life I had too many tragedies impact me especially on February 20, 2007 when my two year old daughter left this world. My children are my joy and to lose a child is like a stab in the heart; painful and sometimes you wonder is recovery possible. After my oldest daughter and I had to endure the pain of losing my sweet two year old daughter, Serenity T. Bowden we somehow had to pick up the pieces. The hardest part in my life was picking up the pieces acting as if life goes on but for me it stopped and nothing remained the same. I was no longer the person everyone wanted me to be but I was bitter, angry and hurt. However, with my strong faith in the Lord he utilized this pain to turn it into a purpose bigger than me. I was a writer since I was eight years old but my gift, passion came full circle when I got stationed in South Carolina five years ago when I was still in the U.S. Navy. The tragedy of losing an angel gave me the courage to share my pain through the written word. I expressed my pain, triumphs and healing through the gift of words which became my source of healing. Every time I released the pen it reminded me of my dreams and sharing them with my family when I was young speaking of being a great famous writer. After exiting the military in 2008 I was broken with open wounds still needing some repair. I had a void but nothing to fill it but my will to write and overcome the pain. In 2011, a four year relationship ended with a man I fell in love with but little did I know it was the beginning of finding my authentic self. I took two years to face the real me by coping with internal issues and stopping the insanity in my life. Some chains needed to be broken but others around me realized I was changing no longer being the people pleaser and control freak. I lost some friendships in the process but I can truly say I am so glad I stayed true to myself, walking boldly in my truth. Today, I live bold, loud and authentically without societal validation celebrating who I am. This moment that happen six years ago changed the way I view and live life. My youngest daughter time on this Earth affected so many people. My oldest daughter and I keep Serenity’s memory alive by not taking life for granted. I always have to live with the pain of losing a child but I have a choice to let this pain stop me or motivate me to keep going to share my gift with the world. I choose to let this pain fuel me to share my gift and passion to inspire humanity. My plate is large but God has given me all the tools I need to motivate & inspire those that are put in my path. So, I continue to release the pen so healing can begin…..This was the result of the rebirth of me!