The essential thing I have learned in my life is when a person is insecure, they will use words of discouragement to tear down your confidence. When I wasn’t aware of my dopeness, I would minimize my greatness to make others feel more important, but deep inside, I was suffering. My suffering led to people-pleasing, self-sabotage, and not feeling worthy or enough.
When I began to cultivate self-worth, let go of self-sabotaging behaviors and flow into a self-confident version of myself, others became threatened. I was no longer dimming my light for them to feel better about themselves. I decided to love myself, face my inner issues and let go of my insecurities.
However, I believe we all have to face the ugly mask of insecurity in our lives, but when these inner issues are unchecked, it creates self-misery. I have learned over the last year that insecure women are fixated on being accepted and validated by others. Their greatest fear is not being liked, so they migrate to the people-pleasing lane, and when another woman radiates confidence, she will spew words of hate to disempower another woman.
Although friendships have withered away, I understand that losing myself is no longer an option. Trusting your dopeness means walking in your confidence and being unapologetic about who you are.
Here are a couple ways you can embrace being “that girl” and exercise your dopeness.
Be Authentic: Know who you are, walk in your power and maximize your voice.
Be Unapologetic: God created you to be the best verison of yourself even when others don’t embrace you.
Be Around People Who Want To See You Win: When you are around people who want to see you win then, the conversations are different. Make sure you let go of toxic connections in your life (heal from toxicity).
Before you can understand how beautiful, complex and intricate you are first you have to break open all those lies you have believed about yourself.
When was the last time you believed positive things about yourself and had someone affirm those positive things?
Lately, I have been reflecting on the painful words people spoke about me. And the saddest part is I started to believe the lies about how other people saw me. I began to see myself in the image of others’ opinions, manipulative comments, and misconceptions.
However, I realized it was generating self-hate. I began to believe that I was not enough or not worthy of good things. I was starting to settle for friendships, relationships, and living a life beneath my standards.
Recently, I had an epiphany about how I was not seeing myself in a clear light, the way God saw me, and the person I am. I knew it was time to let go of the lies, toxic thoughts, and self-hate. Before starting this royal process, I knew digging up unhealthy beliefs was the first step to seeing my royal image.
Before starting your royal journey, here are a few things to start your process.
Write a list of ten negative things people have said about you and circle all the ones you start to believe about yourself.
Now make a list of ten good things you think about yourself.
Ask this question: Are the adverse/toxic people still in your life who said negative things? If so, then why are they in your life? (journal your answer)
Another question: How can you disconnect from people who make you feel bad about yourself? (journal your answer)
Ways you can rebuild your self-confidence/self-esteem & self-image:
Personal Development (books, find supportive communities, join memberships/clubs that foster your enjoyment & passions)
What do you currently believe about yourself and who you are in this moment? Do you feel like you are lacking in some areas when it comes to your personality?
If you answered YES to any of the above questions, don’t feel ashamed, I think we all believed in the lie of not being enough. The plague of not feeling enough has haunted me throughout my life. I would constantly recycle negative self-talk, abusive words from others, and societal standards. However, as I began to uncover this faulty belief system about myself, I realize the root of it all stemmed from low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and other underlining issues.
In 2011, I went on an inner journey of self-exploration and self-discovery to confront dysfunctional beliefs about myself and my life. And what I found was a wounded young lady who needed to know that her past didn’t define her worth. It has been ten years since the journey has helped me evolve into a confident, self-assured woman where the notion of not being enough is no longer a part of my storyline.
The truth is that we all are enough in this world, and when we start believing in this idea, we can live a more fulfilled life. When you accept the idea that you lack something within, you run the risk of living a suppressed life. With a suppress mindset, we eventually generate the chase concept; you will chase people, dreams, goals, money, success, etc. to feel accepted and validated by external forces.
When you begin to know who you are and your worth, you become a threat to those who lavish in their insecurities. You must confront your insecurities every day (because it is a daily thing). And to be clear, it is okay to have insecurities because they make us imperfect and vulnerable. Insecurities become ugly when we lash out or use hurtful words against others.
Below are three ways you can say bye bye to the belief of not enough.
Let Go. Say Au revoir to anybody or anything that make you feel like you are too much.
Dig Deep. Uncover all the crazy beliefs that has hindered your self-worth story.
Heal. Allow yourself a time to heal from the past of unforgiveness (forgive yourself), trauma and anything that has kept you hostage to the lie of not being enough .
I believe there has been times in your life where you settled for less. Settling in any area of your life can be detrimental to your growth. Settling is synonymous to mediocrity and will keep you in a state of stagnancy.
When you begin to gain clarity in your life you will begin to raise the bar. But first it is important that you become aware of why you have settled for less. Below are five reasons to help you understand why you are settling for less in your life .
1) Fear. Many times we settle for less because of fear. We fear the unknown so we choose to stay in our comfort zone. However, nothing extraordinary ever grows from a comfort zone. So, it is important to let the fear go and launch out into the unknown. Life happens outside your comfort zone.
2) Uncertainty. Another reason we settle for less than we deserve is because we are unsure about what we want. If you are struggling with knowing what you want in your life it may be time to explore life. Exploring life will help you discover the things you may want in your life. When you go through a period of self-discovery it will expose you to the world. Each life experience we help you gain clarity on the life you truly want to live.
3) Impatience. When you are impatient it can make you miss out on your greatest life. Many people settle for less because they are too impatient to wait for what they really want in life. When you wait patiently for what you really want you alleviate unnecessary stress. So, wait patiently for what you want!
4) Not Knowing Your Worth. If you do not know your worth you will settle for the wrong things. If you do not spend time to build your self-worth, self-love, self-confidence and self-esteem you will discount your worth. I have learned in my life that people will treat you how you treat yourself. It is important to nurture love and confidence within yourself so you can recognize your worth.
5) Mediocrity. The last reason we settle in life because we become okay with mediocrity. We become comfortable with just existing instead of living a life to our fullest potential. Mediocrity keeps you stagnant and it creates procrastination. You will never be fulfilled with a mediocre life. So, let go of mediocrity so you can grab hold to an extraordinary life.
Action Tip: This week take some time to focus on how you can stop settling in your life by putting one of the five reasons into practice.
In the comments below share with me the reasons you have settled for less in your life.
The greatest feeling on Earth is making a promise to yourself and being adamant about showing up for yourself. It is never good to make promises to everyone else yet, break the promises you make to yourself. I have experienced so much in my 38 years on Earth but the biggest lesson I have learned is to show up for myself.
I remember how I would constantly break commitments to myself. I became sick and tired of putting myself, my ideas and my desires on the back burner. I treated myself like a welcome mat and things had to change. I had to dig deep within to work on my personal issues. I didn’t want to feel like the piece of yucky gum stuck on the bottom of everyone’s shoe anymore. I wanted to be the Louboutin!
In order to be the Louboutin I had to level up and work on my inner issues. I had to learn how to love, respect, honor and appreciate myself. In my journey I gained self-confidence and self-worth. Everyday, I have to be intentional about showing up for myself. I have learned that being intentional creates transformation in your life.
So, I encourage you today to get rid of your flip-flop mentality for your life and embrace the Louboutin way of life!
How will you start showing up for yourself today? Share your answers in the comment section…..
She was in desperate need of validation, hemorrhaging from the need of other peoples approval of her life. She was waiting for someone to recognize her worth but she never understood she was the person who needed to validate herself. She wanted others to give her that confidence when all she had to do was believe in herself. She never realized other people did not need to approve of her greatness. She was oblivious to the fact she was already great. The funny thing is while she looked outside for answers everything she needed lied within; her own self-validation. How often does this scenario sounds familiar? We wait diligently for someone else to validate our gift or talent instead of just creating our own opportunities in life. I, too use to exist on this side of the fence until I realize I never needed any one’s validation for my greatness or life. I would constantly spend my time explaining myself, asking friends for approval instead of realizing I am old enough, wise enough & smart enough to make choices. In retrospect, I was scared of being great because I felt it belittled others. How wrong I was? When you spend years trying to wait on others to validate your existence you become bitter, angry and feel a sense of worthlessness. If you start to believe in how great you are then you will not think so small of yourself. Below are a couple tips to help you learn the gift of self-validation. Tip #1: Let go of negative self talk. We are always hard on ourselves but it is ok to lighten up on yourself. Speak words of love to yourself because you are doing the best you can. Tip#2:Trust yourself. I know its hard to trust yourself when you have made so many mistakes in life but you are only human. Mistakes help you grow so never be scared to trust yourself. Don’t let fear keep you indecisive. Tip#3:Everything you need exist within. Although, you believe other people can validate your life understand they will only give you opinions according to their history or background in life. Never seek outside of yourself for what lies deep within. Everything you are destined to be lies within yourself. Tip#4: Do more of what you love. When you begin to do more of what you love there is no room for misery or pity parties. Misery loves company so invite positive vibes subtract the negative. Tip#5:If not now. When? If you never decide to live the life you deserve when will you do it. If you constantly wait on others to celebrate you, give you the boost you need or support you then you may be waiting for eternity. If you desire to do something or be something in your life stop waiting & believe you can do it now. Never give others the pleasure or power to tell you who you are and what you are worth. Validating your own greatness & life will give you a lifetime of freedom.
As women we are always prone to help everyone else but we lack in the area of supporting ourselves. We constantly become everything to everyone while our needs, desires and wants shrink in the background. It is important that we reevaluate our priorities and spend the time to recommit back to ourselves. Several years ago I was plagued with the syndrome of people pleasing. I would always assist others in their needs, business projects, problems etc. however, as my light was becoming dimmer I never took the time to fill up. I found myself on E, burnt out and filled with resentment towards people who used me. But I realized it was not their fault because I allowed it. From that point on in my life I began to let go of the leeches, manipulators, users and takers in my life. I made a vow to myself that I was going to become a top priority in my own life. If the above scenario sounds quite familiar to you then it is time to make drastic changes in your life. When you do not take the time to commit to yourself to create happiness in your life then you begin to expect others to supply your happiness. The biggest thing I have learned in my life is it’s no ones responsibility to make you happy. Your happiness should always come from within.
If you think about the word commit it literally means to execute or devote. Devoting time to yourself everyday should be an important task for you. During my journey of learning to commit back to my needs, desires & happiness I began to create a yearly contract with myself. In the contract I listed the areas that were lacking & created goals to commit myself back to creating a better life in those areas. You have to find the strength within yourself everyday to make sure you are the top priority in your life. If you are never finding the time to commit or devote time to yourself then your light will die out. The best solution to start the process of committing to yourself is creating boundaries with people. When you set boundaries with those around you it gives you the freedom to take care of you.
Never neglect yourself in the process of being there for others because in actuality you need yourself more than they do. You Matter!
In our heart we know we deserve the best but we settle for less. We choose mediocrity instead of reaching for the excellence in life and all it has to bring. We compromise our standards just to have a temporary fix instead of waiting on the permanent thing. Does this sound familiar? If it does then it is time to understand that you deserve better for your life. The only way you can obtain better is by reevaluating your standards and the foundation you have built for your life. In a society filled with mediocrity we tend to blend in and hide our true substance and value. When we hide our true value we become like a dark whole, lost in a twilight zone of emptiness. I have been on multiple journeys in my life but the current journey I am transitioning through is teaching me the art of self-love, self-respect and understanding I deserve happiness no matter what I have done in the past or will do in the present. For years, I did not believe better would come to me because of the mistakes I had made in my life. However, I began to realize I deserve better in my life not because of how great I was but it is truly the Lord’s will and desire for me to have an exceptional life. We sometimes allow our past to hold us hostage to true happiness so we settle for what we think we deserve because we falsely believe we do not deserve better. I realized that punishing myself for past sins or mistakes was the result of me not forgiving myself. When I can begin to look through the eyes of grace I understand that there is no condemnation in God. We all have fell short one time or another in life but our past molds us for the future. My journey of self-love is teaching me the lesson of acceptance, accepting myself totally; scars and all. The good, bad and ugly things in my life have made me the woman I am today. Every day I have to learn to love myself in the midst of my downfalls I am challenged to get back up and move forward. Life throws us curve balls that can throw us off course but life also gives us presents that add to our enjoyment of living. Do not allow the voices of your past to keep you shackled from embracing the future of better. We all deserve better so do not get trapped in settling for a mediocre life when you can have an abundant life. Strive for better!
When you are ready for love you first learn to love, respect and honor yourself first. Then love proceeds….~Stylicia~
Lately, I have been surrounded by so many people posting through social media about their engagement and marriage journey; it has been contagious. Many people who are posting their wedding bliss are comrades I know personally. I am happy to be surrounded by this thing called love. I believe love is phenomenal when shared with the right person that is compatible for you. However, those that really want to be in love and married always wonder how does someone get to the point of marriage bliss. I have even wondered that myself as a single woman living the life of singlehood. I realized two years ago in order to be loved I first had to be bold enough to love myself. I was compromising my values and beliefs just to have someone in my life. Soon I became sick and tired of falling in love by myself realizing love is a two way street not a one way. I wanted more for my life so I began my authentic journey in 2011, this journey consisted of me dealing with my internal issues and facing the real problem. I was getting in my own way of learning to love myself unconditionally. I was looking for love but love could not find me because I did not love myself. I had to reassess the choices in my love life. The journey of loving myself made me distinguish the difference between love and sex. I craved to be loved and married but I was not mature enough to handle this concept. When you are ready for love you stop compromising your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health just to be loved. Loving yourself forces you to make healthy choices for your life. When you know your worth you are not afraid to be who God created you to be. This journey began to redefined me in many ways. I decided to become celibate, love myself, find my worth and start planning for my future. I needed to learn that being single was not the end of the world. I started to make plans to have a social life and live my life unadulterated. I started to travel more and see life abundantly. I believe in love with my whole being, I believe in the bond between man and woman but I also believe love will be ready for me when I learn to be ready for it. As years are passing by I am starting to conclude that God is preparing me for love. The only way I can prepare for it is by showing God I can handle all the responsibilities that come with loving a man unconditionally. Only God knows if I am ready for love in this season I believe I am ready but until love finds me I will continue to work on me and improve me. Love can sometimes be a battlefield and you have to be prepared for the course ahead. The question I often ask myself am I really up for the challenge of making love work because marriage is a partnership and a fulltime job. I have gotten the itch for love on many occasions but I want to be ready for love so everyday I am in constant preparation by loving myself first.