What do you currently believe about yourself and who you are in this moment? Do you feel like you are lacking in some areas when it comes to your personality?
If you answered YES to any of the above questions, don’t feel ashamed, I think we all believed in the lie of not being enough. The plague of not feeling enough has haunted me throughout my life. I would constantly recycle negative self-talk, abusive words from others, and societal standards. However, as I began to uncover this faulty belief system about myself, I realize the root of it all stemmed from low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and other underlining issues.
In 2011, I went on an inner journey of self-exploration and self-discovery to confront dysfunctional beliefs about myself and my life. And what I found was a wounded young lady who needed to know that her past didn’t define her worth. It has been ten years since the journey has helped me evolve into a confident, self-assured woman where the notion of not being enough is no longer a part of my storyline.
The truth is that we all are enough in this world, and when we start believing in this idea, we can live a more fulfilled life. When you accept the idea that you lack something within, you run the risk of living a suppressed life. With a suppress mindset, we eventually generate the chase concept; you will chase people, dreams, goals, money, success, etc. to feel accepted and validated by external forces.
When you begin to know who you are and your worth, you become a threat to those who lavish in their insecurities. You must confront your insecurities every day (because it is a daily thing). And to be clear, it is okay to have insecurities because they make us imperfect and vulnerable. Insecurities become ugly when we lash out or use hurtful words against others.
Below are three ways you can say bye bye to the belief of not enough.
Let Go. Say Au revoir to anybody or anything that make you feel like you are too much.
Dig Deep. Uncover all the crazy beliefs that has hindered your self-worth story.
Heal. Allow yourself a time to heal from the past of unforgiveness (forgive yourself), trauma and anything that has kept you hostage to the lie of not being enough .
I believe there has been times in your life where you settled for less. Settling in any area of your life can be detrimental to your growth. Settling is synonymous to mediocrity and will keep you in a state of stagnancy.
When you begin to gain clarity in your life you will begin to raise the bar. But first it is important that you become aware of why you have settled for less. Below are five reasons to help you understand why you are settling for less in your life .
1) Fear. Many times we settle for less because of fear. We fear the unknown so we choose to stay in our comfort zone. However, nothing extraordinary ever grows from a comfort zone. So, it is important to let the fear go and launch out into the unknown. Life happens outside your comfort zone.
2) Uncertainty. Another reason we settle for less than we deserve is because we are unsure about what we want. If you are struggling with knowing what you want in your life it may be time to explore life. Exploring life will help you discover the things you may want in your life. When you go through a period of self-discovery it will expose you to the world. Each life experience we help you gain clarity on the life you truly want to live.
3) Impatience. When you are impatient it can make you miss out on your greatest life. Many people settle for less because they are too impatient to wait for what they really want in life. When you wait patiently for what you really want you alleviate unnecessary stress. So, wait patiently for what you want!
4) Not Knowing Your Worth. If you do not know your worth you will settle for the wrong things. If you do not spend time to build your self-worth, self-love, self-confidence and self-esteem you will discount your worth. I have learned in my life that people will treat you how you treat yourself. It is important to nurture love and confidence within yourself so you can recognize your worth.
5) Mediocrity. The last reason we settle in life because we become okay with mediocrity. We become comfortable with just existing instead of living a life to our fullest potential. Mediocrity keeps you stagnant and it creates procrastination. You will never be fulfilled with a mediocre life. So, let go of mediocrity so you can grab hold to an extraordinary life.
Action Tip: This week take some time to focus on how you can stop settling in your life by putting one of the five reasons into practice.
In the comments below share with me the reasons you have settled for less in your life.
The greatest feeling on Earth is making a promise to yourself and being adamant about showing up for yourself. It is never good to make promises to everyone else yet, break the promises you make to yourself. I have experienced so much in my 38 years on Earth but the biggest lesson I have learned is to show up for myself.
I remember how I would constantly break commitments to myself. I became sick and tired of putting myself, my ideas and my desires on the back burner. I treated myself like a welcome mat and things had to change. I had to dig deep within to work on my personal issues. I didn’t want to feel like the piece of yucky gum stuck on the bottom of everyone’s shoe anymore. I wanted to be the Louboutin!
In order to be the Louboutin I had to level up and work on my inner issues. I had to learn how to love, respect, honor and appreciate myself. In my journey I gained self-confidence and self-worth. Everyday, I have to be intentional about showing up for myself. I have learned that being intentional creates transformation in your life.
So, I encourage you today to get rid of your flip-flop mentality for your life and embrace the Louboutin way of life!
How will you start showing up for yourself today? Share your answers in the comment section…..
She was in desperate need of validation, hemorrhaging from the need of other peoples approval of her life. She was waiting for someone to recognize her worth but she never understood she was the person who needed to validate herself. She wanted others to give her that confidence when all she had to do was believe in herself. She never realized other people did not need to approve of her greatness. She was oblivious to the fact she was already great. The funny thing is while she looked outside for answers everything she needed lied within; her own self-validation. How often does this scenario sounds familiar? We wait diligently for someone else to validate our gift or talent instead of just creating our own opportunities in life. I, too use to exist on this side of the fence until I realize I never needed any one’s validation for my greatness or life. I would constantly spend my time explaining myself, asking friends for approval instead of realizing I am old enough, wise enough & smart enough to make choices. In retrospect, I was scared of being great because I felt it belittled others. How wrong I was? When you spend years trying to wait on others to validate your existence you become bitter, angry and feel a sense of worthlessness. If you start to believe in how great you are then you will not think so small of yourself. Below are a couple tips to help you learn the gift of self-validation. Tip #1: Let go of negative self talk. We are always hard on ourselves but it is ok to lighten up on yourself. Speak words of love to yourself because you are doing the best you can. Tip#2:Trust yourself. I know its hard to trust yourself when you have made so many mistakes in life but you are only human. Mistakes help you grow so never be scared to trust yourself. Don’t let fear keep you indecisive. Tip#3:Everything you need exist within. Although, you believe other people can validate your life understand they will only give you opinions according to their history or background in life. Never seek outside of yourself for what lies deep within. Everything you are destined to be lies within yourself. Tip#4: Do more of what you love. When you begin to do more of what you love there is no room for misery or pity parties. Misery loves company so invite positive vibes subtract the negative. Tip#5:If not now. When? If you never decide to live the life you deserve when will you do it. If you constantly wait on others to celebrate you, give you the boost you need or support you then you may be waiting for eternity. If you desire to do something or be something in your life stop waiting & believe you can do it now. Never give others the pleasure or power to tell you who you are and what you are worth. Validating your own greatness & life will give you a lifetime of freedom.
As women we are always prone to help everyone else but we lack in the area of supporting ourselves. We constantly become everything to everyone while our needs, desires and wants shrink in the background. It is important that we reevaluate our priorities and spend the time to recommit back to ourselves. Several years ago I was plagued with the syndrome of people pleasing. I would always assist others in their needs, business projects, problems etc. however, as my light was becoming dimmer I never took the time to fill up. I found myself on E, burnt out and filled with resentment towards people who used me. But I realized it was not their fault because I allowed it. From that point on in my life I began to let go of the leeches, manipulators, users and takers in my life. I made a vow to myself that I was going to become a top priority in my own life. If the above scenario sounds quite familiar to you then it is time to make drastic changes in your life. When you do not take the time to commit to yourself to create happiness in your life then you begin to expect others to supply your happiness. The biggest thing I have learned in my life is it’s no ones responsibility to make you happy. Your happiness should always come from within.
If you think about the word commit it literally means to execute or devote. Devoting time to yourself everyday should be an important task for you. During my journey of learning to commit back to my needs, desires & happiness I began to create a yearly contract with myself. In the contract I listed the areas that were lacking & created goals to commit myself back to creating a better life in those areas. You have to find the strength within yourself everyday to make sure you are the top priority in your life. If you are never finding the time to commit or devote time to yourself then your light will die out. The best solution to start the process of committing to yourself is creating boundaries with people. When you set boundaries with those around you it gives you the freedom to take care of you.
Never neglect yourself in the process of being there for others because in actuality you need yourself more than they do. You Matter!
In our heart we know we deserve the best but we settle for less. We choose mediocrity instead of reaching for the excellence in life and all it has to bring. We compromise our standards just to have a temporary fix instead of waiting on the permanent thing. Does this sound familiar? If it does then it is time to understand that you deserve better for your life. The only way you can obtain better is by reevaluating your standards and the foundation you have built for your life. In a society filled with mediocrity we tend to blend in and hide our true substance and value. When we hide our true value we become like a dark whole, lost in a twilight zone of emptiness. I have been on multiple journeys in my life but the current journey I am transitioning through is teaching me the art of self-love, self-respect and understanding I deserve happiness no matter what I have done in the past or will do in the present. For years, I did not believe better would come to me because of the mistakes I had made in my life. However, I began to realize I deserve better in my life not because of how great I was but it is truly the Lord’s will and desire for me to have an exceptional life. We sometimes allow our past to hold us hostage to true happiness so we settle for what we think we deserve because we falsely believe we do not deserve better. I realized that punishing myself for past sins or mistakes was the result of me not forgiving myself. When I can begin to look through the eyes of grace I understand that there is no condemnation in God. We all have fell short one time or another in life but our past molds us for the future. My journey of self-love is teaching me the lesson of acceptance, accepting myself totally; scars and all. The good, bad and ugly things in my life have made me the woman I am today. Every day I have to learn to love myself in the midst of my downfalls I am challenged to get back up and move forward. Life throws us curve balls that can throw us off course but life also gives us presents that add to our enjoyment of living. Do not allow the voices of your past to keep you shackled from embracing the future of better. We all deserve better so do not get trapped in settling for a mediocre life when you can have an abundant life. Strive for better!
When you are ready for love you first learn to love, respect and honor yourself first. Then love proceeds….~Stylicia~
Lately, I have been surrounded by so many people posting through social media about their engagement and marriage journey; it has been contagious. Many people who are posting their wedding bliss are comrades I know personally. I am happy to be surrounded by this thing called love. I believe love is phenomenal when shared with the right person that is compatible for you. However, those that really want to be in love and married always wonder how does someone get to the point of marriage bliss. I have even wondered that myself as a single woman living the life of singlehood. I realized two years ago in order to be loved I first had to be bold enough to love myself. I was compromising my values and beliefs just to have someone in my life. Soon I became sick and tired of falling in love by myself realizing love is a two way street not a one way. I wanted more for my life so I began my authentic journey in 2011, this journey consisted of me dealing with my internal issues and facing the real problem. I was getting in my own way of learning to love myself unconditionally. I was looking for love but love could not find me because I did not love myself. I had to reassess the choices in my love life. The journey of loving myself made me distinguish the difference between love and sex. I craved to be loved and married but I was not mature enough to handle this concept. When you are ready for love you stop compromising your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health just to be loved. Loving yourself forces you to make healthy choices for your life. When you know your worth you are not afraid to be who God created you to be. This journey began to redefined me in many ways. I decided to become celibate, love myself, find my worth and start planning for my future. I needed to learn that being single was not the end of the world. I started to make plans to have a social life and live my life unadulterated. I started to travel more and see life abundantly. I believe in love with my whole being, I believe in the bond between man and woman but I also believe love will be ready for me when I learn to be ready for it. As years are passing by I am starting to conclude that God is preparing me for love. The only way I can prepare for it is by showing God I can handle all the responsibilities that come with loving a man unconditionally. Only God knows if I am ready for love in this season I believe I am ready but until love finds me I will continue to work on me and improve me. Love can sometimes be a battlefield and you have to be prepared for the course ahead. The question I often ask myself am I really up for the challenge of making love work because marriage is a partnership and a fulltime job. I have gotten the itch for love on many occasions but I want to be ready for love so everyday I am in constant preparation by loving myself first.
Often times people never embrace love because they believethey never deserve it. ~Stylicia~
It has been a little while since I have written on my blog however, life can sometimes be consuming but in my consumed state growth was happening. I learned some important life lessons that have challenged me and made me a better woman. In the last five months I have noticed a difference in myself and recognize the woman I am becoming daily. I realize in my growth process I was confronted with the issue of learning to no longer be scared of love. For so long I have been accustomed to dodging love, making excuses and believing I did not deserve to be loved. I spent many years believing I was not worthy of someone loving me because of my imperfections. Every romantic relationship I had ended up with me being alone; this was never the picture I painted or fantasized about. However, this year I got tired of doing love my way and told God I would give my love life and dating life over to him. I made a decision to focus more on my dreams and aspirations to live my life more abundantly. I am a firm believer you can have it all the career, the man and the prosperity but it will mean patience is defintely required for the journey. Once I made a decision to stop looking for love and let love find me I became a happier soul. In my journey of living life abundantly I realized today I was no longer scared to love, the fear of love was no longer a fear. I was no longer scared to be transparent or vulnerable and love the man that will be compatible for me.
I had to learn the truth about the power of loving myself unconditionally. When you understand that love is attracted to you because it is who you are then love will not be hard to attract. As the months slip by in 2013 I am becoming more aware of how beautiful love is and can be. As a woman I have learned the secret of attracting love from a man is learning to love yourself and treat yourself with respect and unconditional love. I never felt like love was as close to me as it is now in my life. I understand who is the ultimate source of love—God. God is love. Love is fulfilling and incredible when you understand its power, its virtue and how much you deserve love. I started to affirm myself by being aware of how much I needed to love myself before anyone else could love me. Today, I challenge you to look at love differently and challenge your love walk for yourself. Do you love you for all of who you are..whether good or bad? What are the negative things you are saying to yourself about love? Do you fear love? If you answered Yes to any of these questions today is the day you tell yourself “I Deserve Love”. It’s time to break up with the false fearful image of love and affirm to yourself boldly: “I am love, I deserve love, I will not rush, force, manipulate or be deseparate or needy for love. I will be patient with love and prepare myself for love by loving myself first.” The best example of love is godly love when Jesus died on the cross for you. Understand love is patient, kind, and all other things 1 Corinthians chapter 13 discusses. It is time for you to get a better realtionship with love by understanding you deserve to be loved.
Love Yourself First Then Love Can Love On You…..
Personal Challenge: Write Yourself a love letter!
As the year comes to an end I reflect on how much has happen this year in my life. I realize all the things have worked out for the better even when I had no concept of why they happen. I learned valuable lessons from growing in life, loving myself unconditionally and redefining the word friend after a 14 year friendship ended. All of these things made me stronger, wiser and better. Each high and low point in my life challenged me to reevaluate myself, work on my personal issues and move forward. In 2012 I have learned to stop reminiscing on the past, holding on to pain and understand the power of forgiveness. I want to share with you five powerful lessons I have learned on my new journey as I embrace the new me…New Faces, Places & Spaces!
Lessons Learned on Love… 1) Love Yourself First (Unconditionally flaws and all), Forgive Yourself and Heal Yourself Love is powerful but if you do not know how to love yourself you can never reciprocate that love to someone else totally. This year I have learned to immerse myself into loving myself in all areas of my life mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I have been challenged to take time to get to know what I want, what I like and accomplishing my goals. The most powerful lesson I learned was to stop putting myself on the back burner and learning to put myself on the front row. I found out I deserve the best of everything because I believe in my ability to go farther than I could imagine. I had to realize the only limitation that was holding me back was my mindset and the words I spoke about my life. I know now I am powerful beyond measure and only want to attract those who are positive and moving forward in great strides. 2) Love Will Find You…. After exiting a four year relationship with a man that was not the one for me I realized love will find you & you do not have to be desperate to find it. The ending of this relationship help me begin my authentic journey helping me understand the reason I attracted the same type of men. It had nothing to do with them but it was me who had to deal with my own inner issues. I have been on my authentic journey for almost 2 yrs now and it has been a great journey. I feel refreshed, renewed and reborn. I can truly say I am a new me and have a new found love for myself. I understand the importance of self love, enjoying being single and creating the life I desire….I have an new attitude about living life which is…I am living life and not waiting to have a man or get married to live life to the fullest! Lessons Learned on Life 3) Life is what you create it to be….. I use to complain and hate where I lived but now I realize you have to make the best out of where you are at. If you are staying in your triangle then your life will remain boring and lifeless. I started to venture out my comfort zone and began to meet new people. I know where I am at is not my permanent place but I might as well have fun living here. Since I have ventured out I have fell in love with so many hidden treasures in the city I live in. It has challenged me to go far and beyond my comfort zone. I am having fun! Lessons Learned From Friendships…. 4) If They Walk Away Let Them Go And Close The Door…. The hardest lesson I learned in 2012 is when you start to change so does the people in your life. I had a 14 year friendship that ended it hurt me to the core but I realized the friendship was no longer the same. Both of us had changed from life circumstances and we were no longer the 19 or 20 yr old girls. We both grew into grown women who had baggage from life that needed to be dumped out. The greatest lesson I learned hurt people hurt people. When two people are wounded there is no way they can help each other. I had to understand where I went wrong with the friendship but in the end I had to let go of the pain and forgive myself in spite of the other party departure. There may have never been a full explanation but just a unfriend button from Facebook but I knew in my heart our life path was taking on different directions. I am learning to be comfortable with people rotating out of my life because we all have a destination to get to in life. As we grow and evolve our circle will also grow and evolve. Forgive, Love & Move Forward! 5) Tolerate and Celebrate…. If you have a friend who is never really happy for your accomplishments and constantly try to degrade you then nine times out of ten this person is jealous. You want to be around people who celebrate you not tolerate you. When you begin to shine then you truly see who really is supporting you. I have learned to reevaluate all my friendships and reposition some friends in my life. I am learning to get to know people for who they really are by discerning their actions, what they say and how they react. I am more open to letting friendships go if they are not mutually beneficial. I realize each friend is for different things in my life but that does not mean they will always be there. Some will stay for a season then when there time is done they will exit the stage. I have came to accept that life is about forward movement and you cannot live in the past but embrace the future head on. In order to get where you are going you have to surround yourself around like-minded people. Positive people are attracted by positive people. 2013 is all about FORWARD MOVEMENT for me, no looking back but forgiving and closing the doors to the past of 2012 and embracing 2013 with newer expectations!