Single & Not Settling…..

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance. ~Oscar Wilde~

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Since the pandemic, things around us have been shaken and torn apart. Many of us are still trying to adjust to the is new normal and life in 2021. However, if you are single in this time of unusual happenings, life has forced you to deal with the reality of being single. As technology evolves, being single doesn’t have to be an option, especially with multiple dating apps at your fingertips. But why is being single deemed a bad thing?

I believe when you are single, you have space and time to get to heal your inner wounds, get to know yourself, and the freedom to explore the world. Over the years, I have learned to be comfortable with the concept of being single and redefine what it means to me. After my last relationship, I had to regain the confidence of understanding that singlehood is a choice, not a life sentence. 

I spent years of my life wasting time chasing men and not realizing I am the treasure due to my lack of self-worth and self-love. In my relationships, I was desperate to prove my worthiness to a man so he could choose me as his one and only. But as time passed, I realize I was attracting the same man with a different name because of the things I was not facing within myself.

I think it is paramount to define your own meaning of being single instead of taking on the societal stigmas of the definition of singleness. During February, I have made a tradition to celebrate the entire month with self-love, self-care, and appreciation for the love I have for myself and my daughter. I have called this yearly tradition “28 days of love”, doing this has given me a greater perspective on love and Valentine’s Day.

Now in this new skin, I am in, I embrace being single because I know it is a choice at the moment; however, it doesn’t mean this season is forever. I often feel many women settle in love, life, and everything in between because they are trying to reach a finite goal. As a single woman in her 40’s, I believe I am just getting started in life. It is restrictive to think being married, having kids, and having a white picket fence is the only goal I should strive for in life.  

Recently, I decided to reclaim my time and power on the term single. I simply define my singleness as a time of contentment, fun & exploration.

Below I am giving you five ways how to redefine your singleness and let go of the idea of settling for less than what you deserve.

  1. Date yourself first. Since you will be with yourself for the rest of your life, your single time is the best time to get to know what you like or don’t like. 
  2. Be alone, not lonely.  Embrace the idea of solitude and enjoying your own company. Being alone and loneliness are two different things. Many people are in marriages and romantic relationships and feel lonely.
  3. Stop waiting to live your life.  Now is the time to live; you don’t have to wait until you are married or in a relationship to create a life. 
  4. Stop obsessing about finding the one.  I believe women are the treasure, and it is not our job to chase or convince a man that we are worthy of being in his life. When you focus on yourself and create a life you love, you will attract love.
  5. Embrace the season you are in. Instead of wishing for a different season of your life, embrace the present moment.

Here are a couple things to help you embrace your single season:

The Biological Clock

If you are focused on when, what, where & how you will miss out on the now. ~Stylicia~

Lately, I have noticed that specific women I know have confessed their desires to be married and have a kid. They feel like their time is running out and they are never going to get to meet their Boaz. Many women have become fixated on their biological clock running out on them. However, I am a firm believer to understand that God’s timing is not predicated on the world’s system or timing.  Some women have lost hope on being found and instead of using their time in waiting to work on themselves they have used this time to wallow in loneliness, depression and desperation. I can truthfully say 18 months ago I felt the same way before I started my authentic journey. I tried to make every guy I was involved with my Boaz. This gesture left me empty, used and desperate because I was willing to force the process instead of diligently wait on God. I did not realize the time in waiting was meant for me to become whole. After my last unsuccessful relationship I was faced with the fact that my way was not working so I needed a new plan. Once I yielded my plan unto God I realized I had alot of personal issues that needed to be addressed. I could not be the woman I needed to be in marriage if I did not know the authentic me. I got tired of attracting the same type of guys but quickly I knew it was me that had to change in order for the men to change. I made it a habit to run away from the issues dwelling in my soul. The person I was at the time was dysfunctional. Once I began my journey I had to face a lot of things I was passive about in my life. I was controlling other’s lives because my life was out of control. I needed to be true to myself and stop neglecting the woman that was hidden on the inside. So, after the last emotional relationship I decided to get my heart, soul and mind in order. It was time to face my dysfunction and issues. I started my Authentic Journey on April 2011; my life has not been the same. I spent the last 18 months transforming into a new woman. I had no idea who I was because I had a low self worth & self image about myself. I thought sex was love and if a man really got to knew me he would not like me. I understand now that those were false self image mechanisms Satan fed me to believe. I believed them which led me into to the trap of compromise. I compromise my walk with God to fulfill the lust of my flesh. It lead me down a road of having lower self esteem, guilt and shame. However, today I can proudly say that “Stylicia” no longer exist because I know my worth and chose my celibacy journey. I am a new woman learning the new me everyday from my likes to dislikes. I no longer focus on my biological clock because I have become consumed in accomplishing my goals and enjoying life to the fullest. I do know I desire to be married but I am in no rush for it until I am whole. Instead of being consumed with counting down when my biological clock will expire I have been enjoying the time I have being a single woman.I did not cherish my single-hood before but now I can cherish it to the utmost. I have fell in love with this time of soul searching and loving myself totally and completely. So, you single ladies who feel like you will never meet “the one” or your eggs are about to be rotten before you can give birth to another child just remember Sarah (in the bible) was almost 100 years old when she conceived. Stop focusing on the when, who, what and how. While in waiting, this is the perfect time to deal with your  dysfunction & issues. This time should be used to live life to the fullest and finding your purpose. Waiting is preparing…..